Like so many strippers before them, the guys at The Smoking Gun have gone backstage with Kevin Federline and obtained a list of his dressing room demands. (However, since it doesn’t include “meal ticket/wife,” we can’t believe that this is an updated version.)

The checklist lays bare K-Fed’s mineral water prejudices, although it’s nice to see both regular and Cool Ranch Doritos receiving equal representation. It also reveals a softer side of Britney Spears’ estranged hubby, a man who doesn’t hesitate to get out those aromatherapy pillar candles and assorted herbal teas to settle in for a nice long soak in the bath when the situation calls for it (hint: it does).

Unfortunately, it looks like The Fed is going to have to splurge for his own restorative bath products this week. Perez Hilton notes that K-Fed’s November 9 concert in Cleveland and tonight’s performance in Atlantic City have been canceled. House of Blues, indeed.

By the way, if you were surprised that condoms — a staple in any respectable rapper’s dressing room — aren’t on the list, you clearly haven’t been paying attention for the last two years.